It is May 9th. I have exactly one week left in El
Salvador .
I knew this time would come, and to be honest I’ve been
dreading it for quite some time.
When I posted my first blog post back in January I was
anxiously awaiting my departure. Nervous, and excited and overwhelmed.
Now I am anxiously pacing. Wondering how to make the best of
the little time I have left in El Salvador .
A place I have called home for the last 4 months. Where a huge piece of my
heart will remain after I depart. Where family, friends and mentors reside.
I could’ve said the same things about Secaucus, or
Baltimore, and while this is undeniably true for both places I am struggling at
the moment to feel good about leaving.
I’m amazingly excited to see my family, my mama, dad, my brothers,
Uncle Joe and Aunt Mo
I’m excited to get back to Maddy, and enjoy our summer,
together.
I’m excited to see all my friends, from Secaucus, St.
Peter’s and Loyola.
And I’m excited to sit in Gaga’s living room with a cup of
coffee, in Pop’s recliner—National Geographic in one hand and the remote in the
other.
There’s a lot to be happy for. Going home is going to feel
great. But I can’t shake this looming feeling of sadness as I prepare myself
for reintegration into the States.
Yesterday I broke down. We were sitting at the mesa in the
dining room for lunch yesterday, all of Casa Ita. Franny, my Salvadoran mother,
had made fish and beans and vegetables and rice.
Franny is one of my favorite people in the world. She
travels every day from her home to the Casas around 3 hours just to cook for us
and be part of our family. She’s got personality. I love it. There are some
people who automatically show everyone love and affection. Franny is NOT one of
those people. You have to work for that kind of relationship. Over time she
breaks her tough exterior and reveals one of the sweetest caring and cariñoso
woman I’ve ever known.
Norelby, my Salvadoran housemate asked us a question. “Have
you liked living with us?”
I thought to myself “C’mon Nore, you know the answer to
that! Por Supuesto!”
But as she asked it I looked around the table and watched as
all of us looked for the appropriate words to respond. We all knew the answer.
Nore knew as well. At that moment I realized we all just needed to hear it.
Randomly, and without any prodding, one by one we told Nore,
Nady, and Franny what they meant to us. I started off “Estoy agradecido…” ( I
am grateful…) and then the tears started flowing. I thought of everyone. Nady’s
willingness to laugh at any one of my dumb jokes, even if she understand them.
Norelby’s unbelievable wit and sense of humor. The stories we shared with each
other. The joys and hardships we shared. They are my sister’s.
Then I looked at Franny. I thought of how far our
relationship had come. How I was afraid to approach her at first. How she
eventually let down her guard and let me into her life. How she smiles, ever so
slightly, when Tom and I are being idiots. She is my Mother here. She takes
care of me and hugs me and feeds me without ever asking for thanks.
These kinds of memories can be applied to all of my
Salvadoran family here. Neto and Papa Julio, Clara and Gris, Samuel and Nelson,
Issac and William, Hector and Anita, Daniel and Rosa. Family.
So when I say “Estoy agradecido…” and the following words
don’t come to me, it is because they don’t suffice. They can’t do my experience
justice. That is the limit of this blog. You all get to see what I can express.
I love that I can share with you what I have seen and lived. But at the end of
the day I can’t show you everything. Some things can’t be contained. They can’t
be restricted to mere words. So when I return and I seem to lose the ability to
speak when recounted a story, and tears begin to well up behind my eyes,
forgive me and know that whatever I’m thinking about, even if you don’t
understand what it is, has changed me, has shaped me, has made me.
I will always carry El
Salvador with me. I’m not gone yet, but I
will be soon. And when I’m back I will be happy to be reunited with all of you.
My loved ones. I will take what I have learned here, what I have felt here, and
as best I can share with you the gift that has been this country.
In closing I’d like to share a few words that came to mind
as I left Praxis.
“And now my feet, my feet
are tired
and my arms, my arms
desire
to hold, to hold
this country
in my heart, my heart
Forever.”
Thank you for reading.
Antonio “Toñito” Medina
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